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uhh [May 19, 2009 | 09:05 PM] [ mood | cold ] worried hands sifting sand trying to find the gold but found more sand material evenings and floaty clouds weaving revolving around lights in the darkened nights the future is the past when you're living by the second now let's call in for a re-match we obligingly gave up the turn take it all back once more and then maybe we will learn ah hushpush i've buried my thoughts in other words aha! smart am i! jsdfnboiudfnhguhdfuhb i can't wait till you all feel this way oh, and hell currently resides in my backyard beaming red and squawking creatures of old

blabbles [January 26, 2009 | 07:10 PM] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | telepathe ] why do you gotta make it so hard? sleepy with disaster on the brain, cozy in a grumbling stomach at least the pains keeps my mental pain somewhat at bay lies lies lies all over again keep em commin' joe, i have a box to drop them in now and why don't you also write a letter about how good it feels to treat me wrong while you're at it wouldn't that be a juicy addition... all this world around us and what do we have around us to keep us from everyone else? t.v., internet, games, pot, alcohol, and other drugs communication lost by god, it hardly even matters anymore! does anyone out there besides me that wants to genuinely share things with others? in intimacy and communication? is it too hard to manage, the truth of love? i feel like i can go on, but i'll always be saying "what if" and so on... what if i do things different...would it have been better? disgrace to myself, no fucking confidence.. lovely, lovely world

fe fi fo [January 22, 2009 | 07:34 AM] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | book of the month | lovage ] As if breaking up wasn't enough... you just call all drunk and shit, trying to start shit, sadistically trying to make me feel bad... don't you think that breaking up with me was enough? don't you think that telling me we won't be together again is enough? no, you have to tell me that you never had a foundation to love you have to tell me you had no feelings but then you said you did and you made it so confusing and asked what love is... if you don't know what it is then never say it to me again. i guess it was my fault i believed you knew what you were saying. i am too good for you and you know it. i have minimal self-confidence and even i know this. and i don't know what i could have possibly done to make you do this to me.. but if you had any brains at all, you'd figure it out without doing damage because the more you do this, the more less of a chance i'll be there when you want me.

Random writings [January 21, 2009 | 06:37 PM] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | portishead ] These are random things I've saved from awhile ago... 1. one more hour of sleep make it 4 not 3. i'll follow the printed white tracks wherever they take me i'll soon discover the long and winding road i'll finally recover the place i go to every night as solid falls from the sky don't let me be covered by the one filthy lie you told me last friday things would be different i'll finally trust you and that doesn't make sence i'll follow your printed white tracks wherever they take me i'll soon discover the place where we've been remember the memories say goodbye and follow yours. say goodbye and follow you. 2. what's done is done red turned to crimson so i can't have you here i'll learn not to be austere so i will keep sipping my wine pretending it will revive in time words cannot express the meaning of things only my actions can show you my fixings 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 3. i called you on the phone twenty four straight hours only two more left of january february holds a deceiving path just hold my hand and we'll go together but then again the fairytale life isn't life at all so don't answer the phone don't answer my calls i'll pretend your hand is in mine when i follow the unmarked path through time in my my mind you're brighter than sunshine 4.: wasting lives tasting flies unnecessary buys constricting lies exploding demise screaming cries blackened disguise outstanding denies rewarding baptize tasty pies nightly moonrise colorful neckties western levis deceiving spies truthful eyes terrible goodbyes ever-changing skies doubtful sighs drastic rise continuing tries wrinkling wise rewarding franchise self-conscious thighs unwinding ties historically theorize continuing relies indescribable highs complications arise cultures capsize asian shanghais shocking surprise endless supplies yummy french fries disappointing standbys instinct replies envious despise authority chastise life implies words summarize 5. As I received my final kiss goodbye, the bus slowly made its stop right at my feet. The doors opened with a creak, I looked over my shoulder at him with a smile, and stepped on showing the driver my pass. I looked down the bus and guided my way across the crowded isle. I took a seat before the side door, and got comfortable. Looking at my fellow passengers, I noticed a mom and her two daughters, then an older couple across from her. As my ears adjusted to the sounds, I heard a young child's accent. She was trying to communicate with her little arms, while trying to keep balance at the same time. The woman adjacent from her was looking perplexed, trying to figure out what the enthusiastic little girl was saying. Then, I hear the woman saying abruptly, "OH! You're father's handsome?!?!" in a half-laughing tone. Immediately I was drawn in. The mother laughs at her daughter, as the bond between her and this strange woman grew almost instantly. Then the little girl starts chattering at the woman again, saying something about her father's job. "Oh, he works at Burger King?" said the woman to the little girl. "Oh yes, he does." said the girl's mom, with a proud smile shining through. A minimum wage family...I thought. She is so proud of her husband, even though he barely provides. I listened closely to the conversation unfold. The woman then looked at her husband, and said "I wonder if we know him then?" The man shrugged. "What does your husband look like?" the woman continues. Mom smiles, "Well, he's got long black hair, that's in a pony tail usually." "OH!" The woman crys out, "We've seen him!" Mom laughs..."Oh really?" Her daughter is trying to get attention of the woman now. She's waving her arms, trying to tell her what her house looks like. The woman finally gives her attention..and the little girl makes gestures and trys to tell her new friend the details of her house. I listened in more closely. The little girl explained, "There are two houses together, and one right here is mine." She puts out her two arms dead straight, then lifts her right arm to the center, going up and down to show the separation. "Oh that's lovely, dear" the woman replies. A connection in four minutes. Something to keep you sane. Something to realize that this place needs a few improvements. The bus turns rapidly, we were now traveling down 69th Street, and I pulled the string, making a little bell to remind the driver I needed to stop. The bus slowed down as we neared the stop, so I got up and went towards the door I was sitting in front of. Stopping politely, I waited for the green light to turn on, indicating my ability to push the doors open. I looked over my shoulder at the mom, she was looking at me. I gave her a smile of admiration and respect, then pushed the door open and walked off. The bus moved past, and I crossed the wet, torn up road. "Just another coincidence," I thought to myself. 6. upstairs the attic angels awaited my steps towards their heaven i rose only one thing weighs my mind the box that holds our deepest illusions to think we touched and never remembered love may be blind but i felt the whole thing sorrow trickles on each and every step they won't be waiting to hold you no, they won't be waiting to hold you. 7. the vines of your limbs attached to the vines of mine we were always so distant but now we're entwined i'll never find the words and i'll never be able to tell why is it too hard to always say farewell? i feel your hands on my thighs i feel my lips on your neck i feel your breath on my cheek i feel my heart beating fast we were never really lost and we were never really found we were just two pieces to a puzzle that were lying around 8. reading "october" by robert frost my mind gets distracted in the middle of a poem. drifting like a piece of wood in the sea. the tide moves inward but the wood keeps drifting opposite. a vision of my childhood appeared...running down my grandparents slope of land the grass passed my ankles, and the wind rushing against my face and blowing my hair in all different directions. a smile in my face, my teeth shining as bright as the sun with my arms open wide and my legs moving quick. the descent to the shore. the colors of the deciduous trees all over the line of the forest. then i saw myself running down, as if i were watching myself from the porch of the house at the top of the hill. it could never be possible, but it still seemed like a memory. reaching that small square of perfectly mowed grass before i walked on the rocky beach. i always asked why that land was always mowed, but i never received a true answer. the sudden slowing of movement as you reach your destination. there you were, at the end. no where else to run, unless you went up the beach just a little ways before the edge of land 10 feet tall collided with the waves. that one tree trunk carved into a seat appeared in your sight and your mind remembered it from the previous visit. you take a small break and sit on it as your breath begins to catch up with you. over the luscious bay you see the sun gleaming in the water, and the tall sailboats rushing so slowly through the abundant amount of blues and greens. you know you'll never witness this moment again, but you somehow take it for granted. then it's just a lost memory. a "remember when" in small conversation. how i wish i were back at that moment, no worries, no need for change or knowledge..just childhood ignorance. beautiful memories all locked up in the past. if only we could re-visit and enjoy. 9. the smell of those disgusting pills creep into my nose from the toilet below. i slowly drift into dreams as my eyelids can't made a decision whether to stay open or relax closed. he came in to comfort me, and touched me on the back ever so slightly. i felt the outline of his hand burning on my back. i told him to stop touching me, and that he doesn't have to stay in here with me. i didn't want to ruin his night. he told me to call for him if i needed him, and walked out of the bathroom. my eyes couldn't stay open anymore. i cuddled with that disgusting toilet seat as my mind went adrift to a dirt road with two paths. on the right there was an endless abundance of apple trees. on the left was a deserted desert and a steamy mirage. i walked to the apple tree and picked one out, sat in the shade and enjoyed my fruit. maybe if i went down this path it would lead to satisfaction, happiness...but what about the adjacent path? i picked another apple and thought about where i wanted to travel. i could go down just a few miles upon the apple road, turn around and go down the desert road, but what was the point? i realized i wanted to travel the desert path. i picked another apple and walked into the desert. i vaguely remember at this point, out of my dream i was yet again vomiting. my eyes opened briefly and just so there was a tiny slit to see, to make sure i hit the target of the bowl. closed again. i was growing tired and sweating...a mirage of water appeared in the distance toward a plateau. i was afraid to step off the road to go look for it...then suddenly a vulture became visible ahead. i walked toward it... it stated starring at me. i got closer, closer...then it's beak opened and i thought i would hear a screech, but instead i heard English. i was unable to process the vultures words because i was so in shock of my ability to understand. then it spoke again. a low voice sounded in my ears, it sounded like the voice had been damaged from smoking for a decade, or a very dry throat due to lack of water. he asked me what i was doing here. i want to know...i want to know...i answered. dream ended. my eyes opened...i was on the floor. confused, i looked around. i was in two places at once. my body had been cut in half. i closed my eyes. my left eye sees the bathroom floor and the bottom of the toilet, my right eye sees roots crawling down, and flames below. it was so hot on my right side, and so cold on my left. i heard the door open. he came in to check on me. i opened my eyes and tried to see. everything i fixed upon swayed and meshed..if i looked at something else it was a two second delay and a stream of the previous vision moving toward my current fixing. he left. i closed my eyes again. waiting for him...i can't recall what happened in those next minutes of waiting. he returned with a cup, and i moved over as he sat beside me. he remembered not to touch me. flash forward. i slept. or i thought i did. i don't remember a dream. i don't remember anything. i remember being awoken by a jimmi hendrix song. the bass and melodies crept through my feet, which were closest to the door, and traveled through my body and arrived through my head. it pounded with my bass...i couldn't handle it.i crawled to the floor. i felt so dizzy i couldn't stand up. i yelled to turn it off. i remember talking to him a little bit after that for a long time. i wish i could recall the conversation. i then remember being on the floor melting into it. it felt like i was expanding. then i was in the bathroom again, but it wasn't me at the toilet, it was him. i stood up, and wobbled for a second, and looked in the mirror. i looked different. then i had to get back to the floor, my head began to hurt. i then remember us trying to move into the bedroom. the following events don't apply to myself, only a few streams of colors collided and mostly i had conversation i can't recall, and watched the others. i drifted to sleep in his arms. what an evening. 10. the things that i say will never be heard but that's the best part having a secret that only you know having a secret that no one else knows deprivation from the skin malevolence isn't deep magnificence is hard to keep so are leaves to deciduous trees they do have green color but one time a season but the red is much more fair autumn leaves are what i favor the mysterious château whether we drink tea or smoke it the company and conversation should be rather fulfilling in an open kind of sense you shall plan to take part in the act of not acting and i shall as well with my crown in the clouds the wine will be cherry red and the taste will be startling we shall sit in the chair paying no attention to the occupying time but more so to the dates in the past, present, and future as a whole. regards, my dearest invited, i shall think to be seeing you in a short while 11. it seems as though the days get longer and in reality it is, of course it's spring but having to go through the day of routines day after day after day after day it's not even worth being a chapter in our lives because it all is a one second clip of the same expression over and over and over and over we we'll never make it change and only be disturbed by it in our heads using words to describe the feeling of hate but not really having the true feeling my feeling is expressionless like an insomniac in the city watching the personalities stroll by and knowing they are lost each and every one is lost and you wish you could say something but you wonder if you're really there or just a spec in the wind without a voice to speak the thoughts keep rolling to the keys will it ever stop? you already know the answer it's as tangible as the rest of those common questions the ones we really need to ask are the ones you reach out at to find out the truth or at least something that makes sence does truth really exist? or is it all just a guess one man made a statement and that is that. 12. i miss the rays of heat across my sunny skin i miss the golden path to a tree of love i miss sitting and listening i miss throwing those petals into the reflection of the sky were they falling up? or where they drifting down? i miss reading on my bench i miss the bench were we spent our evening i miss the lovely touch of the hands of summer i miss the way we ran through the fields i miss us growing beside the lightning of fire i miss the schedule free world of abundant happiness Let's reside in a laced dream Me and you as one The place where there's no between Forever like moon and sun Passion in your vein flows A river runs across rough rocks We understand how love grows Flying free in big bird flocks We feel rough winds and calm But we are away from danger My heart is in your palm I will obey your sweet gesture reading these is so wierd other random ones... twinkle from my grandfathers eyes building confidence without an ego watching new shades of color form killing the alluring image waiting for my passport strapped to a circle day by day round and round without a choice 1. silent movements cause tingles, start from lips move to body, can't withstand my hands desire, only fixed upon your eyes, show me how to play your games, i'm comfortable in constraint, blood turning blue, wrapped around your sensitive finger, i want to be your prisoner of war. 2. where you just feel alone and expressionless but full of want and need to be comfortable again and also full of wanting to escape my own room seems foreign everything except his arms all i can do is pace all i can do is wonder try to keep the assumptions at bay i just want it to be over school and forced to be around family it isn't worth it these days it never really was.. more.... 1. i just don'w want to forget "you know we're going to grow old" "do you think we will together?" "i don't know what is going to happen... i hope so" 2. casual along the path i didn't notice whether it was my right or my left. i had remembered to wear those leggings momma told me about, i was glad i did too. the grass seemed higher since my last remembrance and the nettles were growing closer. i haven't been across it in awhile and they knew it. it was nearly non-existent when the wind blustered east off the shore. the wind carried a smoke and i looked to the house on the left, it's chimney relieving the congestion of filth into the cleanliness of transparent purity. i keep going and passed the mailboxes nearly rotting already from the winter's rain. i knew papa would be making some new ones once it was nice enough to cut one of the newer douglas firs down. i was just about to go under the vine plants and out onto the beach shore when the clouds above began to separate, revealing the rays behind them. i stopped for a moment and looked through the vines, peeking through like a mouse through a hole in the wall. the shadows were making their own shapes out of my face, and my squinting eyes were becoming increasingly fixed on the wonders of the sky. i looked away but the black outline was still there. mama told me about this, she told me never to look at the sun. fear struck, and all i could think was to wash them out. panicking, i ran to the water with my eyes shut and tearing. i relied on my memory to guide me through the path. that was the last image i ever saw. 3. the sad realization that the day's of our schedule free lives have come to a close the show is gently deteriorating too fast for our minds to capture is it afraid or can't handle pain? the grey skies cease to diminish before the glowing sun is it time to cry again? the lone bird searches for a friend, to wait until the seasons change again amused by the fence posts, he doesn't cry for himself 4. it's a month into spring but winter is still here ice cold fragile body shakes and tremors with the feeling of regret will it ever be warm again the sky is grey and i feel the same way winter is here to stay take my breaths deeply and breathe out slowly i can only take a minute at a time the windowpane does not contain the polar temperatures out they're in my heart speaking with air that freezes in midair the words will never reach you my eyes are swollen, desolate, and blue and there are so many things i'd like with do but it will never reach you 5. patterns stirring on the walls floor boards swirl in balls colors twirling in the air more than i can bear slip away tonight not myself i lost the fight the ghosts they move inside the ground hearing echoes of the sounds the flower in the grass grow up and die as seconds pass the world is moving round and round tree branches are growing sky bound holding your hand, looking in your eyes together so deep, telling no lies losing myself, becoming a demon not able to come back, in a disguise for no reason hurting you, leaving me in a rage, hurt family losing memory, losing purpose dying tonight, bury my corpus MORE.... thoughts in the stomach mucus in the throat feelings in the eyes and nowhere to go sweat in the teeth toes in the cold heart in your head nowhere to unfold VICIOUS CYCLE having cuts show up without even knowing what happened dark in an hour a rooftop sky sees no limits sporadic images flashing side to side greens greens no where to eat spikes everywhere, nothing is round machine like birds don't even make a sound MORPHING into a lifeless lightless trend descending alllllways descending we can all feel it but it's easy for you to ignore i strive to be numb hello again invisible self why do you feel so sick something is scratching at your stomach you're bleeding acceptance is what you need and distractions and sleep.

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